Permission

The more I learn about people...

...the less I think any of us are actually living as ourselves.

That's probably a pretty bold statement.

Honestly, I don't even think I would've agreed with it a few years ago.

But the more therapy I've gone through...

Whoa... I said the "T" word again. Oops.

Seriously though... therapy, reading about psychology, and becoming more self-aware have completely changed the way I look at people.

Not in a judgmental way.

Actually... probably the opposite.

It's made me more compassionate.

Because once you start seeing it... you can't unsee it.

I notice it everywhere now.

At work.

At the grocery store.

At the rodeo.

Scrolling social media.

Even standing in line waiting for my Diet Coke.

I catch myself wondering...

"I wonder who they really are?"

Not the version everyone knows.

Not the version that fits in.

Not the version they've carefully built over years to make everyone else comfortable.

The real version.

I think so many of us are walking around as shells of ourselves.

Not because we're fake.

Because somewhere along the way, we learned it was safer.

Safer to fit into our family's expectations.

Safer to fit into our workplace.

Safer to blend into our friend group.

Safer to follow the rules we'd always been taught.

Safer to stay quiet.

Safer to not rock the boat.

It doesn't happen all at once.

It's thousands of tiny moments where we choose acceptance over authenticity.

We don't even realize we're doing it.

Until one day we're living a life that looks good from the outside...

...but doesn't quite feel like ours anymore.

I wonder how many dreams are sitting on shelves because they don't fit someone's lifestyle.

Or their family.

Or their church.

Or their career.

I wonder how many people secretly want to try something completely different but won't because they're worried about what everyone else will think.

I notice women a lot.

Maybe because I am one.

I wonder how many women soften their personalities depending on who's in the room because they've spent years trying not to be "too much."

Too loud.

Too ambitious.

Too emotional.

Too opinionated.

Too confident.

I notice men too.

I wonder how many have been taught that keeping the peace is more acceptable than speaking honestly.

Different stories.

Same fear.

And the funny thing is...

I don't think I would've noticed any of this if I hadn't realized I'd been doing it too.

About ten years ago, a friend told me I had a way with words.

I laughed.

My first thought was, "You mean my word vomit?"

Because let's be honest... I can rabbit trail with the best of them.

But that comment never really left me.

Over the years, other people would say the same thing.

"You should write."

"You have a way of telling stories."

"You make people feel like they're in the moment."

And every single time...

I'd find a reason not to.

Not because I didn't want to write.

Because writing meant letting people see me.

Not the polished version.

The real version.

The one with opinions.

Questions.

Doubts.

Stories.

The vulnerable version.

That's scary.

This summer, one of my posts reached more than 100,000 people.

One hundred thousand.

Sometimes I stop and think about that, and honestly...

It's kind of gut-wrenching.

One hundred thousand people reading something that started as a thought in my own head.

Reading it.

Sharing it.

Agreeing with it.

Disagreeing with it.

Judging it.

Misunderstanding it.

And yes... that's scary.

Every time I hit "Post," there's still that little voice asking if this is the one people are going to pick apart.

The one they'll gossip about.

The one they'll misunderstand.

The one they'll decide says everything about me.

And maybe they will.

I'm a little spicy sometimes.

I have opinions.

I ask questions.

I don't always fit neatly into a box.

I'll own that.

But I've realized something.

If I'm asking myself to live more authentically...

...then I can't keep editing myself just to make everyone else comfortable.

That's not authenticity.

That's performance.

People are going to judge us anyway.

Whether we stay quiet or speak up.

Whether we blend in or stand out.

Whether we chase our dream or ignore it.

Whether we post the thing or leave it sitting in the drafts.

So maybe authenticity isn't about becoming someone new.

Maybe it's giving yourself permission to stop hiding the person you've been all along.

Permission to write.

Permission to change careers.

Permission to take the art class.

Permission to buy the horse.

Permission to say no.

Permission to speak up.

Permission to be misunderstood.

Permission to be a little weird.

Permission to outgrow the version of yourself that everyone else got comfortable with.

Life is way too short to spend it asking everyone else for permission to be yourself.

I'm done asking.

Maybe it's time you stop asking too.