Disney lied to us

Alright… come sit with me for a minute.

This isn’t polished.

It’s not pretty.

But it’s honest.

Because somewhere along the way, we were all handed the same version of love.

Disney gave us one.

Country love songs gave us another.

Different packaging… same message.

Love shows up.

Chooses you.

Feels like home instantly.

And if it’s real… it just works.

It’s passionate.

It’s effortless.

It’s meant to be.

And yeah… some people get that.

But a lot of us?

We don’t.

A lot of us learn love by surviving everything it’s not.

I didn’t understand love at first.

I understood attachment.

I understood survival.

I understood what it felt like to try and make something work… at the cost of myself.

My first marriage wasn’t love.

It was control without looking like control.

It was manipulation that slowly rewires how you think.

It was constantly second-guessing myself while trying to keep the peace.

It was walking on eggshells and calling it compromise.

It was shrinking myself and calling it patience.

It was losing my voice and calling it love.

And the hardest part?

You don’t realize how deep you’re in it while you’re in it.

You adjust.

You rationalize.

You normalize things that should never feel normal.

Until one day… you don’t even recognize yourself anymore.

And what people don’t talk about enough is this part:

The damage wasn’t visible.

There were no obvious signs people could point to and say,

“Yeah… something’s wrong there.”

And I remember thinking… more than once…

I almost wish there had been broken bones.

Bruises.

Something physical.

Not because that would have been easier to go through…

But because it would have been easier to prove.

Because people understand bruises.

They can see them.

They can validate them.

They can’t argue with them.

But emotional scars?

Those are different.

They settle into your nervous system.

They show up in your reactions.

In your triggers.

In the way you question your own thoughts.

They follow you into healthy spaces and make them feel unsafe.

They make you hesitate when you should feel secure.

They make you pull back when things get close.

And when it’s invisible…

People don’t always understand what you’re carrying.

Sometimes you don’t even understand it yet.

The only thing I will never regret from that chapter of my life…

Is my daughter.

She is the good that came out of something that was never meant to last.

But that experience forced something in me to shift.

Because I realized something that changed everything:

What I thought was love… wasn’t love.

It was loneliness mixed with conditioning.

It was the need to feel chosen.

The need to feel safe.

The need to feel like I mattered.

And when you don’t know how to give that to yourself yet…

You will look for it in other people.

And when you find someone who gives you just enough of it?

You hold on.

Even when it’s not healthy.

Even when it doesn’t feel right.

Because you’re not choosing them…

You’re choosing the relief of not feeling alone.

So I did what a lot of people do after that kind of experience.

I became independent.

Not the soft, confident kind.

The kind built from survival.

I told myself I would never need anyone again.

Not emotionally.

Not physically.

Not in any way that could put me back in a position where I felt trapped or dependent.

And for a while… that felt powerful.

But if I’m being honest?

It also built walls.

Because when the people you loved the deepest teach you not to trust…

You don’t just forget that.

You adapt.

You become self-reliant to a fault.

You stop asking for help.

You stop letting people all the way in.

You protect your peace… but you also limit your connection.

And this is where things started to make sense for me.

Love languages and attachment styles.

Because they explain things that feelings alone can’t.

Love languages show you how you give and receive love.

Attachment styles show you how safe love feels in your body.

And when you understand both?

You start to see your patterns clearly.

You start to understand why you crave connection… but pull away from it.

Why you want consistency… but question it when it shows up.

Why you need love… but don’t always know how to receive it.

That push and pull?

That’s not confusion.

That’s conditioning.

And once you see that…

You can’t unsee it.

And that’s where the real work begins.

Especially when it comes to relationships.

Especially in the beginning.

Because young love… new relationships… new marriages…

They can blind you.

Everything feels intense.

Exciting.

Full of possibility.

And when you want something to work…

You will override your intuition to keep it.

You’ll ignore red flags.

You’ll explain things away.

You’ll tell yourself it’ll get better with time.

Because you care.

Because you’re invested.

Because you want it to be real.

But here’s the truth that changes everything:

You have to love yourself more than you love the relationship.

Not in a selfish way.

In a grounded, self-aware way.

You have to know yourself.

Understand your patterns.

Recognize your needs.

Be honest about your boundaries.

You have to stay logical even when your emotions are loud.

And you have to trust your gut.

Because your gut will tell you things your heart isn’t ready to accept yet.

And when it says no?

You listen.

Because "no." is a complete sentence.

Love does not mean staying somewhere you don’t belong.

It does not mean sacrificing your morals, your beliefs, your dignity, or who you are just to keep something together.

And it definitely does not mean staying because you were taught that leaving is failure.

I stayed longer than I should have…

Because I was raised to believe that walking away meant I failed.

That you push through.

That you endure.

That you make it work no matter what.

But love is not meant to cost you yourself.

Love should not make you feel trapped.

It should not make you question your worth.

It should not hurt you emotionally… or physically.

And if it does?

That’s not love.

That’s something else wearing love’s name.

Real love?

It feels safe.

Not perfect.

Not effortless.

But safe.

And that starts with you.

You being your own safe place first.

Learning how to regulate yourself.

Learning how to trust yourself.

Learning how to meet your own needs so you’re not depending on someone else to carry them for you.

So now?

Love looks different.

It’s not words.

It’s not promises.

It’s not intensity.

It’s consistency.

It’s effort.

It’s follow-through.

It’s someone showing up the same way… over and over again.

And for me?

That’s what builds trust.

And I still believe this with everything in me:

You can love someone…

And still choose distance.

You can care about someone…

And not allow them access to you.

Because loving people does not mean abandoning yourself.

So if you’re sitting here trying to figure it out…

If you’re questioning what love actually looks like…

If you’re unlearning everything you thought it was…

You’re not behind.

You’re just doing the part most people avoid.

That’s the real tea.

Love isn’t about being saved.

It’s about knowing yourself well enough to stop looking for someone else to complete you… and start showing up for yourself first.

If you want to start understanding your own patterns a little deeper, here are a couple starting points:

• Love language test:https://www.southdenvertherapy.com/love-language-quiz

• Attachment style overview:https://attachment.personaldevelopmentschool.com/

Because once you understand yourself…

Everything else starts to make sense.